Kenmore stance

I’ve been away from writing lately. Other distractions – kids birthdays, spring break…career highs…career lulls…career disappointments…career flatlines which lead me to procrastination… and eating and oh the beloved weight gain.

It’s like I just find myself standing at the open refrigerator at night before bed… I try to convince myself I’m just going to look. I’m not particularly sure what I’m going to look for. Just kinda checking-in. Taking a gander, if you will. Making sure all is well in there- But carefully avoiding eye contact with the peanut butter at all costs.

I’m not going for the peanut butter. I won’t start. ‘Like a moth to a flame’ but instead of getting burned I just get fat.

I look around. Yup, I may have to pick- up some more ketchup in a couple weeks. When’s the last time we opened up that barbecue sauce? Did we open that barbecue sauce? Still sealed.

Hmmm…will power. I Think to myself – a banana.

I close the fridge. Victory! I’ve closed the refrigerator without eating anything when I’m not hungry and it’s near midnight (more like 8:49pm but I have two young kids so to me that’s near midnight).

First, I’ll have a glass of water. Maybe I’m just thirsty. So I do.

Nope wasn’t just thirsty. I definitely want to imbibe something delicious.

I grab a banana.

But alas, it was almost… so close… maybe only a few hours or a day away from being ripe.

But sadly it wasn’t.

It was firm and chalky and not sweet. It tasted like a food allergy.

But that bite led me to a lightbulb moment. You know what goes great with bananas (ripe or not) peanut butter (and maybe a drizzle of local orange blossom honey- which I spied in the pantry this morning when I was making my sons lunch for school).

I couldn’t stomach anymore banana, so I place the half- peeled banana (sans a bite) into the fridge for safe keeping until tomorrow.

I stand there in my underwear looming over the fridge like Indiana Jones when he opens a tomb. With a jewelers eye I scan every inch of real estate in the Kenmore.

When did I buy an onion? It has sprouted. How long have we had that onion? Christmas? No couldn’t be that long- then I remember it was around Valentine’s Day… flat enchiladas layered with onions and Monterey jack cheese- Beep! beep! beep! beep! beep! Suddenly, I am startled by the beeping of the refrigerator door.

Apparently the refrigerator thinks I’ve outstayed my welcome. But that doesn’t stop me -I just push the two buttons the door near the hinge where the door edge closes letting the refrigerator know it’s been closed. I hold those buttons down for a couple seconds.

One problem solved.

But now the real problem; the craving.

Maybe I should have some protein. I boiled some eggs for situations just like this! A boiled egg white is a much healthier choice. And I’m committed to eating healthy and to stopping the mindless late-night snacking.

Boiled egg whites aren’t mindless empty calorie snacking – they’re packed with protein and stuff. Body builders eat them. So I take an egg and walk over the the garbage can and peel it right over the garbage can. Pull it into two pieces and dump out the yolk. I take a bite- it needs something…

Back to the fridge, now one hand holds two halves of an egg white.

A-ha! Mustard. Zero calories and packed with flavor. But after I scrape off that mustard crust (almost used ‘mustard scab’ but for obvious reasons wet with crust), I squeeze it onto the egg I realize I’ve made a novice mistake.

I forgot to shake the mustard first before squeezing. That murky yellow mustard water that floats above the mustard pours out. I quickly have to shove the egg white bowl filled with mustard condensation into my mouth before more drips to the ground.

At least the second egg white half worked out better more of a 50/50 ratio of mustard water to mustard.

But it didn’t work. Didn’t cure the craving, the urge is now only stronger. So after rinsing my hands at the sink and wiping the mustard juice (again almost wither ‘mustard mucus’ but for obvious reasons opted for mustard juice).

I headed back to the refrigerator. Opened it and gazed in. I remember reading once that dairy is good before bed. Maybe I’ll have a some plain Greek yogurt (or yoghurt, not sure what is correct).

Fage 2% Greek yogurt -plain

(The description is quite accurate- plain. Is anyone ever excited about anything plain? Like what’s your dream house? Favorite car? Favorite song? Dream vacation? I doubt the word plain ever came to mind).

I kinda have to shovel it down- the plain yogurt . I wouldn’t say its gross, it’s on the lower end of edible -it’s definitely not a sinful late night snack. And it’s surprisingly hard to swallow. I have to take a few gulps of water in between bites as I power through the never ending cup. I’m thinking, fantasizing about all the fat and calories I’m going to burn and all the muscle I’m going to build by eating this cup of paste.

But sadly, it too did not do the job. I again take my stance. Refrigerator Doors open eyes fixed.

Too late for cheese. I try avoiding eye contact. I really did but once I locked eyes with that jar of peanut butter I couldn’t look away. Let me just check how much is in the jar. But as I open the jar the smell is intoxicating. I reach back to the counter with one hand like a ninja and grab a spoon. Just one scoop. I dig deep near the bottom of the natural peanut butter trying my best to avoid the thin oily top layer of the natural peanut butter. Before I know it I’m back in -on my 3rd or fourth scoop.

Swiftly I one handedly close the peanut butter jar and close the refrigerator doors mouth full of peanut butter. I’ve got to stop….

But now my mouth is so peanut buttery and dry. I need something to help get this down. So I grab some water and decide to head to bed… just as soon as I have a teaspoon of organic orange blossom honey…with a little peanut butter.


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